Open Letters*

Dear Five Or So Neighbors Who Can't Seem To Get Into Your Car(s) Without Setting Off The Alarm:

For the love of all that is holy, if you can't figure out how to get into or out of your car without setting off the alarm, DISABLE THE DAMN THING! It may not be very effective in the event that someone tries to steal your car, but myself and any of the other neighbors who want to push you on the ground, jump up and down on you a few times, crumple you into a ball and throw you through the window of your car every time you set the damn alarm off will be much less likely to actually do so.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,
The Neighbor Who Doesn't Live In New York City or Chicago For A Reason and For Whom Repetitive Noises Are Like The Serum That Changes Dr. Jekyll Into Mr. Hyde

Dear Ice Cream Man:

It never fails to amaze me how you can't seem to make it out on any of the days it's over 90 degrees, the humidity is close to 100% and my husband and I (or just I, when he's gone) have been working outside for hours and sweating our asses off, yet you consistently come down the street playing your happy little Pop Goes The Weasel tune when it's overcast, chilly and (usually) raining. Is it always backwards day where you live? Do you actually make any money conducting business in this totally counter-intuitive way?

Also, would it kill you to change the song that blares out of your truck from Pop Goes The Weasel to...ANYTHING else, really. Anything will do. That song goes around and around in my head even after you've moved on to other neighborhoods. It haunts me. Perhaps "Picnic Time For Teddy Bears" or "Smack My Bitch Up" or some other classic?

Sincerely,
The Woman Who Just Wants Ice Cream When It's Hot, Damn It...Is That Really Too Much To Ask?

Dear Various Garden/Yard Implements and Tools That Have Injured Me In The Past Few Weeks:

I have cuts and bruises and scratches and random scabs on my already-frightening pale white girl legs. I have cuts and scratches and gouges on my hands from various activities (including a big one on my left thumb knuckle that I actually did with my right thumbnail/dagger). About a week ago I had three blisters and a cut on ONE segment of ONE finger, none of which I could determine the origin of.

I now have a MASSIVE blister on my left thumb from all the freaking raking I've been doing lately. It HURTS like a mofo. Now I have to go do a bunch of laundry, do the dishes and get showered and cleaned up with this massive open blister. Did I somehow miss the new blister stage? Did I have a head start from having had a blister there previously that was thisclose to healing? Either way, it sucks, it hurts and I hate it.

Please stop hurting me, garden implements and other various tools. I don't think there are enough Band-Aids in the world to mend my wounds until these few projects are complete.

Of course, there's always super glue...

Sincerely,
Injury McOucherson