Pulling numbers out of my ass

I'm REALLY having to work to restrain myself right now.

Every morning at work I fill out a sheet of Year to Date Total Returns for different funds we use. I make copies of them, and give them to 6 different people. Apparently one of the people I give them to then CHECKS to make sure they match whatever numbers he's found. Today a few of them didn't match, so he showed it to the office manager (Bitch from Hell) who then showed it to me. She told me to prove my numbers were right.

First of all, excuse me? Does he check my numbers EVERY DAY? If so, why doesn't he just fill out the damn sheet himself?

Secondly, yes. You caught me. I am totally just pulling numbers out of my ass and writing them down. You know...lottery numbers, license plate numbers I saw on the way to work, my lucky numbers, whatever. I just think of them and put them right down on that paper. Yes indeedy. That way I don't have to THINK.

Third, he was wrong. I don't think in the entirety of our conversation he actually admitted he was wrong though.

So, what was the cause of this confusion?

The man was looking at the WRONG SECTION OF THE PAPER. I was looking at the section of the Wall Street Journal with current numbers, and he was looking at the QUARTERLY REVIEW section. Hi! Hi! Those percentages were as of the 1st, dumbass.

He said, "Well, I just can't figure out why this fund's returns are shooting up so high in just the last few days."

You know what? Talk to the fund manager then. I don't know HOW they do what they do, I just write 'em down.

Jesus H. Christ.

Can I just get fired already?

Please?

Can we work that out?

'Cause I'm getting really freaking sick of this place.

*sigh*

Happy Monday.