Easter Weekend Fun - Part II

So...Sunday... Sunday morning we got to get up early, grab some food, and drive over to my grandmother-in-law's apartment to pick her up for church.

We had told her on Saturday evening that we'd pick her up at 9 AM since church started at 10 AM.

So, we pulled up around 8:50 AM and my lovely husband went in to collect her.

After a few minutes, he came back out and said, “She's still sitting in her living room in her nightgown! She was talking to some lady.”

I said, “What?!”

He told me, “She said it was only 8:30 and she thought we weren't picking her up until 10.”

I was like, “Umm..that would be interesting if we did that, considering church starts then.”

So, we waited in the car for a few minutes until he went back inside for his second attempt to collect her.

We should have just quickly driven away after the first time he went in to get her.

Why?

Let's see...

0:00:010 into the car ride: She makes the first remark about how much she hates her apartment. “Sorry I wasn't ready. I should have been. I woke up at 5 AM. I don't sleep very well here, you know.”

I kept quiet, even though I wanted to tell her that the older you get, the less you sleep. It had nothing to do with her apartment.

0:07:00 into the car ride: She makes the first remark about 'colored folks'. “Two new ones just moved in. There's one on my floor and another one on the second floor.”

This marked the point when I first wanted to shove her out of the car, knock her down and jump up and down on her head a few times.

0:07:15 into the car ride: “They're just as good as us, you know” she says.

0:08:00 into the car ride: “I have to remember to keep my door locked. They might come in and steal something. I keep my checks and everything put away when the maintenance man comes, too. You never know when something will turn up missing.”

Sure, Grandma. Whatever you say. Not only are you racist, but you're also VERY paranoid. You should probably get a gun, too, just in case someone tries to rob you.

Yeah! That's the ticket!

0:10:00 into the car ride: I find myself desperately wishing for a cigarette.

0:20:00 into the car ride: She starts out talking about TheChild, and ends up on a tangent about one of her favorite topics...my mother-in-law's weight. “Oh, she's always been fat. Ever since she was little. I used to have to buy that special size of clothes for her... Oh, what was it called?...” (It’s called Husky, Grandma. Now shut the fuck up.)

0:21:00 into the car ride: She claims she never gets to go anywhere. No one ever picks her up and takes her out, like her friend's daughter does. No one ever spends time with her. No one ever makes time for her. She's lonely.

0:23:00 into the car ride: “I already found out if I could get out of my lease. It's a year, but I can break it. My house still hasn't sold. I'm going to move back.”

Only if you hire the movers and do it all yourself, lady. Otherwise it'll be over my (and my husband's, and mother-in-law's, and three or so of my husband's aunts' and uncles') dead body.

0:25:00 into the car ride: She finally takes a breath, just as I'm wondering if opening the door and throwing myself out of the car would really hurt that bad, or if it would be worth it.

DEAR GOD.

We finally made it to church, after spending another half hour listening to her yak on and on about various topics, a few of which were actually NOT controversial, offensive or pure whining.

I spent the next hour and a half reading part of the Bible (Genesis, actually), watching my wedding rings sparkle under the lights, making sarcastic comments under my breath and to my husband, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting, kneeling, standing, rinsing, repeating, and hoping like hell the service would be over soon.

The rest of the afternoon/evening wasn't too bad. Well, except for the near-shouting match that occured over dinner when my husband's Republican uncle started talking about Terry Schiavo. I would have simply escaped the room and situation, but I was trapped behind the table. For a second there, I felt like a trapped animal. If chewing off my own leg had meant freedom, I would have done it. All I wanted was to get AWAY and all my exits were blocked.

So, I poured myself some more wine instead.

Things became calmer after we started discussing water heaters and water softeners and all the other things we want to do to the house, but probably can't afford.

We finally got home around 7:30 PM that night, which was good, since I was utterly exhausted.

At least Easter only happens once a year.