Things I have said to the dog today*

This is a (completely true) list of things I have said to the dog in the last 24 hours:

"Please don't punch Mommy in the crotch. It's not nice."

"If you trip me and break my leg, I can't let you out 5,000 times a night."

"Where the hell is the rest of that wood you were chewing on? You didn't eat it, did you?!?! You're going to be pooping splinters!" (No, he didn't eat it. He pulled it into little pieces and spread it all over the living room carpet.)

"You're running out of toys to chew on because you keep destroying them!"

"Ow! That's my hand! I need that!"

"You need to learn to chew on things without ripping them to pieces!"

"Sawyer, stop teasing the kitties! Az, quit getting in his way and then getting mad at him when he tries to get around you! Callie, stop smacking at him! He's not doing anything to you!" (Have you ever tried to use the toilet while refereeing WW III between two cats and a dog? If not, you're missing out!)

"What is this?!? It looks like a piece of a crack pipe! Where the hell did you find a crack pipe in the backyard!?!?"*

*He brings in souvenirs from outside. Lately he's been on a twigs and sticks kick. I refused to let him bring in the chunk of dirty dead grass he tried to bring in this morning. Yesterday he brought in something that's about 1-1/2" long, round, hollow, made of glass, broken and scary on both ends, with something unidentifiable inside a small section of it. It looks like it used to be clear glass, but it has a bunch of soot (or something else that's black) on the inside of it. I tried to take pictures of it, but my camera sucks if I'm not at least 5 feet away from whatever I'm taking pictures of, so the pictures are all blurry. I might have to get out my husband's camera and use that to take some pictures.

Oh, and needless to say, I took the small glass thing away from him as soon as I saw it.

It's now sitting on a paper plate on the kitchen counter.

Why? Where do you keep your crack pipe?